That was the name of one of the chapters in this book my mom showed me on the different stages of mourning over a lost pet. But it’s not as easy to just say goodbye to them like that…say goodbye to all those memories. So it’s talking about the several steps of grief people have, I don’t know, I didn’t read that crap…its insulting enough that she brought me the book while I was in bed. I don’t want it, if people have their own way of dealing with loss then leave them alone. Like I need some damn book telling me how to deal with it. How can I? I can’t even let go, it’s too hard. I can’t let go of my dog’s death…I had to go with my sister to her vet clinic that day. She gave me some time with my dog before they had to put her down so I took her for a short walk which made her so happy. We went as far as I was allowed before Kooler just sat down and watched the cars go by. I think she knew what was going to happen; that morning she went all around the house sniffing stuff and went outside to bark at the neighbor’s dog on the other side of the fence, almost as if she was saying ‘goodbye’…
I stood next to her and pet the top of her head as we watched cars go by. Soon after I had to take her in, because it was time. My sister had no problems doing the euthanasia, she started forcing the muzzle on snout which was hard to witness. Kooler began thrashing around and trying to scrape the thing off her with her paw. It was then she had to look up at me with such sadness in her eyes…she was scared. I’ll never forgive myself for not being stronger then; she needed me at her side to tell her it was all alright like I always did when she was a puppy, until she closed her eyes. But I didn’t, instead I looked on and did nothing, I felt so useless. All I could do is let them take her away from me. I think I’ll always carry that with me. The look in her eye was indescribable; it just looked like she was scared and not ready to go yet. So what’d I do? I left into a room and shut the door. I could hear sister calming Kooler down for a bit before I heard her yelp and cry loudly, which made me shout and carry on like I never have before. I was so hysterical that the doctor came in to advise that I go into the lobby or in my sis’s car until it was over. I went to the car and I just cried the hardest I ever have…I had to wait for a long while before I could even make myself go back into the clinic. Finally I went in again to wait on the bench for my mom. I was the only one who went with my sister to accompany Kooler, so we had drove to the clinic in her car and I was to wait on someone to come by and get me afterwards. So I waited and sat around in a slump, my eyes weren’t fixated on anything and I just felt so lifeless and dull. This family came in to get their dog checked up and this lil kid had to come over and stare at me for a good while. I looked at him and said “hi” but he ran off. He kept coming back to stare at me though, soon enough he got bold around me and stood right next to me, leaning over and staring right into my face…he was a so close I could almost feel him breathing.

I spent most of the day and yesterday sleeping, due to this cough I have. It was just a bad cough at first, but I think my body let it develop into a full out cold. When I woke up it was worse, my whole body was weak and sore, which makes it hard to move around. I’m disoriented and numb all over, but I still got up at 3 in the morning to take some medicine. As I walked into the kitchen to pull open the cabinet door I couldn’t help but look down at the floor where Kooler’s bowls use to be. Now all that remain is just an empty spot where they sat, next to the dog door that dad sealed up. It made my eyes water to look so I had to hurry up and gulp the medicine so I could head back to my room and shut the door. I cried all the way to sleep; both my heart and my body feel so heavy. I could care less about anything right now and all I seem to do is get angry and push people away right now when they come to bother me.
Which sucks, because I really don’t want to be alone right now.


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